**** UAC DATABASE PERSONNEL FILES UAC AI 'TITANIA' PSYCH EVALUATIONS SHIP: UACS 655321 ESCHER CREW: LODEN TAYLOR SEX: MALE AGE: 20 EVALUATION BRIEF: Quick thinking and creative, with a dark sense of humor. Slight mental instability noted. Especially fond of music. KIYONE MAKIBI SEX: FEMALE AGE: CLASSIFIED (GP DIRECTIVE 2845-376-34348) EVALUATION BRIEF: Galaxy Police Detective. Expert marksman, qualified interstellar pilot. Somewhat prone to minor fits of melancholia. GORDON FREEMAN SEX: MALE AGE: 27 EVALUATION BRIEF: Former research associate at the Black Mesa Research Facility. High intelligence, excellent combat rating. URANIA SEX: FEMALE AGE: UNKNOWN (2000+) EVALUATION BRIEF: Supernatural being - ancient muse of astronomy. Rumored to be the Divine Mother of Fast Food Employees. Film buff/connoisseur. END OF LINE **** Technically speaking, morning doesn't exist in space. There's no sunrise (obviously), no chirping birds (unless you happen to have an atrium somewhere on your ship), and nothing even closely resembling the sound of the new day's newspaper hitting your door (though it is possible to synthesize it). For this reason, ship captains usually assign some sort of signal to announce the coming of morning. Most usually just choose to brighten the ship's interior lighting. Loden, on the other hand, had a slightly more creative method. Urania was sleeping soundly in her quarters when her alarm went off. Groggily, she slapped it, hitting the snooze. A quick glance told her that she could doze for another hour or so before she had to get out of bed. There was a new fic to MST, and Urania wasn't exactly looking forward to it. They wouldn't be starting for a while, however, so she rolled over and went back to sleep. "O FORTUNA" The ship's PA blared to life. Suddenly it seemed as though a choir of angels had descended from Heaven above, and were shouting directly into Urania's ears. "VELUT LUNA" Urania bolted upright in bed, holding her pillow against her ears in an attempt to stop the thundering music emanating from the PA. She madly tried to think of a reason for this sudden disturbance, and who might be behind it. Then the answer hit her. Loden. "STATU VARIABILIS" Tossing her pillow aside, she stood and walked to her dresser. Throwing the drawers open, she quickly rummaged through her wardrobe. "I'll kill him," she swore. Urania emerged from her quarters to see Gordon Freeman stalk by, already in his HEV suit. Jamming a clip into his MP5, he continued down the hallway without so much as a glance at Urania. Not far behind him was Kiyone, carrying her blaster. Urania stopped her. "Are you two going to kill Loden?" she asked. Kiyone nodded. "Good," replied Urania. Together the two women jogged down the hall to catch up to Gordon. For his own part, Loden was enjoying himself immensely. Watching the trio come towards his room on his monitors, he grinned to himself. Soon there was a pounding on his door. "Come i..." was all Loden managed to say before Gordon Freeman stalked into his quarters and let loose with a three round burst to his head. Loden went down in a spray of blood and brain tissue, collapsing behind his desk. There was a moment of silence. Then: "HOLY SHIT!" Gordon turned to see a shocked Kiyone in the doorway, accompanied by an indifferent Urania. "What?" Gordon asked. "YOU KILLED HIM! JESUS, HE'S DEAD!" Gordon scratched his head. "Yeah...wasn't that the plan?" Kiyone stared at Loden's corpse. "I thought we were just going to...you know, "kill" him. Not really KILL him!" "Oh...I get it. Anyway, don't worry. He'll be fine." "WHAT?!? HE'S GOT NO HEAD LEFT! HOW CAN HE POSSIBLY BE FINE?!?" Gordon gestured towards Loden. "He's the captain and author. He can't be killed." As if on cue, Loden began to rise from the ground. Shaking his head, he fell back into his chair. After a moment, he looked up at Gordon. "Damn...that one hurt. I take it you didn't like my wake up call." Gordon smiled slightly. "You could say that." Kiyone looked on, dumbfounded. "Did you know about this?" she asked, turning to Urania. Urania nodded. "Yep. He's just as good...well, as bad as new." Loden, massaging his temples, glanced at Kiyone. "Oh, sorry...you didn't know? Yeah, it's one of the perks of being the captain. Comes in handy now and then..." Kiyone looked at the bloody mess on the desk, walls, and floor. "But what about all of...that?" Loden smiled. "Oh, the mess? No problem. Watch this!" Standing, he addressed the computer: "Computer, wash cycle!" >From the ceiling and walls came a heavy spray of mist, drenching the room and its occupants. When it subsided, the room was clean. Kiyone, dripping wet, glared at Loden. Loden grinned sheepishly. "Whoops...I guess I've still got a few bugs to work out...heh heh..." There was another moment of silence, broken by Kiyone. Raising her blaster, she took aim at Loden. "What the hell," she said. Another shot rang out, and Loden collapsed once again to the floor. Suddenly, the lights went red. "Damn!" swore Urania. "Well, lets go." Without waiting for Loden, the trio left and entered the theater. ------------------------ Loden Taylor presents: An MST of "No Need for Extream" Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo!, and it's characters, are the property of Pioneer and AIC. Gordon Freeman is the property of Valve software. Urania, on the other hand, belongs to the world. 'O Fortuna' is from the Carmina Burana by Carl Orff, but is in the public domain (I think). I'm not making any money off of this, so please don't sue. As always, I'm open to C&C. My e-mail is loden_t@hotmail.com. And now, on with the MST! ------------------------ : So, where's Loden? Hasn't he...eh...'respawned' yet? : I guess not. It looks like you really put him down, Kiyone. : Don't remind me. I overreacted on that one. : No, no, that's okay. I think it's good if he gets killed every once and a while. It builds character. : Oh, hey Loden. We were just talking about you. : I'm sure. That was nice, the way you guys killed me not once, but twice. : Oh yeah...sorry about that... : No, it's all right. No hard feelings. But you know, being killed twice in one morning has really made me ambitious. I feel like going all out. And so... : Oh, no. : ...instead of doing a chapter or two of a lemon I had picked out, we'll be doing ALL FIVE CHAPTERS! MUA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! I'M EVIL! : Oh, good. It's starting. : You just had to blow his head off, didn't you? : Hey, you killed him too! I wasn't the only one... No need for Extream : Or for correct spelling, apparently. Editors note. Extream "Michael bearden" is from a comic that i made in spring of 95 He has had more than 200 chapters and 5 seasons he has a attitude like duke nukem. : Oh, God. An attitude like Duke Nukem. : So...he's a ripoff of a ripoff of Ash from Evil Dead. : Yep. : Oh, God. The way how tenchi and extream meets up is. : What? : No Need for Complete Sentences. The story begins : Um...okay, if it wants to. Narator After his defeat of the appoculiptic horseman : What? Who? : The Acapulco Horseman? : HAHA! Sr. Extream es muerto! Qué? NOOOOO!! Sr. Extream no es muerto. Sr. Extream es matanza yo! NOOOOO!! : Do you really speak Spanish, or did you just pull that out of nowhere? : Um...a little of both. we find are hero in rural japan with nothing but a destroyed space ship. "damn where the hell am I?" : In rural Japan, with a destroyed space ship. Weren't you paying attention? "I wonder if anyone lives in the shrine over their" maybe i shoud not barge in like i did on the appoculiptic horsemans space ship entrance maybe just... oops i forgot i should hide my suit before i start knocking on the peoples door. : Hey, author? Here's a tip...NO ONE HAS READ YOUR STUPID COMICS! We have no idea who this 'Extream' person is, or who the Acapulco Horseman is supposed to be! So please, COULD YOU NOT MAKE REFERENCES TO STUFF WE'RE NEVER GOING TO KNOW ABOUT?!? : Wow...angst filled. "hmm the masuki residents" as michael read the sign. "Population 6 women three guys and one cabbit." : I don't seem to remember a population sign outside the Masaki home... : ...and I can't think of why anyone would WANT one like that... : Perhaps this 'Extream' fellow is census taker of some sort. : Wow. A badass census taker? I'm intrigued! Tell me more, author! "A cabbit never herd of it." Are hero knocks on the door. : I don't know. Are hero knocks on the door? : What's a hero knock? : Beats me. But apparently they're on the door. Bang Bang. : They're shooting at us!! ...oh, wait... "Coming" A little girl said. She opens the door With a surprised look she says. Who are you? "First of all who are you?" Michael says. "My name is Sasumi." Sasumi says. : 'Sasumi,' eh? That's a new one... "My name is michael". "WHO IS THAT?" Ayeka says. "My name is Michael the lone warrior." : That's good to know, thanks. I, for one, am glad that Michael is a lone warrior. : Lone warrior and census taker. "I came to rural japan ship wrecked." I am also looking for a place to take my six week vacation hell fighting off criminals and other baddies is hard work" : Huh? "So whats your name cutie" MY NAME IS PRINCESS AYEKA AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION IO DONT LIKE BEING CALLED CUTIE" " Oh tsk tsk you dont know how to be nice to starngers do you" : That depends. What's a starnger? "By the way hows the man in charge around here". oh you mean yosho." Sasumi said "Your a sweet girl sasumi not like your sister wait a minute do i see mahosi." "yo mahoshi whats up" "Michael is that you" Mahoshi said with a sujrprised look. : For the umpteenth time...what?!? : Huh? "Who is that" Tenchi said. : I'll be fucked if I know, Tenchi. : I think you're right. Once we find out who he is, we'll be fucked. : Hell, I'm feeling fucked already. What is going to happen next on the extream meets tenchi and the gang? TO BE CONTINUED : WHAT?!? : It's over? Already? If you thank things are heating up you werent kidding ryoko meets extream but dosent like him. : That makes five of us. : You know, Loden, if all the chapters are this short... : Are you mocking my revenge? Because, if you are, I'd be glad to whip up a few more fics to MST today... : Nope! No, that's okay. You revenge is horrible enough! Yep! Oh, the pain... : Oh, good! PART 2 OF NO NEED FOR EXTREAM : You're right. We don't need him. : He's probably the most useless and annoying person I've ever seen. : And we've only seen him for a total of five minutes so far. THIS IS A LEMON WHICH LEMONS CONTAIN SEX WHICH IS NOT VIEWABLE TO KIDS OR TEENS UNDER 18. THE CHERACTORS OR NOT MINE THEY BELONG TO PIONEER. EXCEPT FOR EXTREAM AND MICHAEL BEARDEN THAT BELONG TO ME. As tenchi looked at michael he wondered who i was. "my name is Tenchi Masaki" Explained Tenchi "Im michael Bearden a Lone warrior of space". Michael said : Michael 'Extream' Bearden! Lone Warrior of Space! Immature Idiot! Census Taker of the Gods! "what brings you to earth?" Tenchi said. "Well I Came back to take a six week vacation plus I was born in north America." : What does being born in North America have to do with being in Japan? : Don't ask. He might feel obligated to explain. "So mahoshi what have you been up to?" "nothing" Mahoshi said Michael looks at all the girls in the house and thinks to himself. "I hit jackpot with all this pussy ill have the best six weeks of my life." : Oh, Lord... : We've entered the downward spiral! Here we go! : It looks like a long way down. Michael walks to the shrine were tenchis grandpa mettataites. : 'Meta-tates'? So, he only kinda meditates? "So who are you?" Yosho said. "Im michael Bearden" "Im Yosho" They talked for about a hour. Than yosho agreed that michael could stay at the house. : CONVIENT PLOT DEVICE! : That's the quickest resolution I've ever seen. Michael thanks yosho and walks back to the house. Now he meets ryoko and nobleyoki. : Who? : Nobleyoki? : Hmmm...you know, whenever I come across a strange word, I try to break it up into smaller parts. : Okay, so...noble, that's easy enough. Then...yoki. Maybe that comes from yoke. : Yoke? Like, the yoke that you use to hitch up oxen? : Right! So...noble-yoke...noble ox? : I think we're thinking too hard about this. He tells ryoko he's sorry for hunting her down but she doesn't beleave him. So She faints away mad. : Not a very good strategy, fainting whenever you get mad. "Oh well" Michael thinks to himself. so nobleyoki what do you do for a hobbie. Michael said "I look at hentai magazines" nobleyoki says. : Is that really something you want to admit to? : At least he's honest. "I think well get along just fine look at my 8 ft stash of playboy magazines" says michael said. "HOlY COW YOU MUST BE MORE A BATCHLOR THAN I AM". noble yoki said. : Either that or, much like the author, he's a lame, bad-ass wannabe who thinks that women are his personal masturbation tools, and is forced to turn to porn to get off since he can't get a date to save his life. : Yeah, I think it's definitely that. : He's got 'high school poser' written all over him. : Who? Michael the 'Extream' Census Taker, or the author? : Both. Later that night michael was laying in bed wondering about his next mission when all of the sudden : ...the Space Marine from 'Doom' came in and totally fragged his ass with the BFG. : ...Ryoko sliced him in half with one slash of her energy sword. : ...the ceiling collapsed on him, crushing him horribly. : ...he got his ass kicked by Ryo-Ohki. : Ooo! Good one! the door opens. : Too bad. I would've liked to see him get his 'Extream' ass owned by Ryo-Ohki. Ayaka walks into the room and gives him a daqurie "Thanks. Say im sorry about earlier today. Michael says with a smile. : Oh, no, that's ok, just drink the rat poison...I mean the daiquiri! Heh heh... "Thats ok" Ayaka says. "here ill show you something if you dont tell the rest of the family." Michael said "OK" Ayaka said with a confused look. "Extream Transformation!" Michael yells "This is my extream suit. : So...are we going to get a description of the so-called 'extream suit'? : Patience, now. Let's see if... "Oh my gosh that suit looks heavy." Ayeka says. : ...no, I don't think we're going to. Pity. : I think I'll cope, somehow. Trust me. Michael examines ayekas Buitiful body. and wonders. : And doesn't. Use complete sentences. Or ideas. "I wonder if shes a virgin." Ayeka looks back at michael as his suit vanishes only one thing back fires. his suit takes everything including michaels clothes. : Uh oh. I think we're entering lemon territory! : Quick, come about! Right full rudder, all back full on the starboard shaft! Ayeka looks at michael with awe. : Too late! We're caught in the whirlpool! : NOOOOOO!!! Michael is built with muscles. : Well, what the hell else would he be built with? If I'm not mistaken, just about anyone you meet is built out of bone and muscle... : Don't worry about it. Logic left us a long time ago. She walks up to our hero and takes her robe off. "Ehhh what are you doing" Michael said. "Relax I know you want this." Gulp "Its going to be a long nite" michael says : Longer than you know, Mikey. Longer than you know... As they kissed Michael grabs a breast and begins playing with it. and ayeka moans lowly he than sees michaels prize grow. Ayeka has a surprised look on her face because of its size. : You use Miracle Grow, don't you? She than goes down on our hero he doesnt moan at all during the blowjob. Than Michael places a rubber on his prize. than he inserts it. and her back arches. And she screams as a tear goes down her cheek. : And we get sick of the stupid story. They keep this up for about 20 minutes then he fells that he has to unload his man chowder : 0_0' : Man...chowder? : I didn't need to hear that. Really. so he makes ayeka suck some more and than he squirts it in her mouuth. He than licked ayekas firm breast and he withdraws breast milk : What? Breast milk? Ayeka is pregnant? : Once again, we've got an author who hasn't read up on his sex ed. : That, or he's never had even the slightest experience with sex. : Well, I think that goes without saying. ayeka was surprised that her breast had this kind of liquid. : Hell, so are we. he lays on the bed and shoves ayeka on top of him. she starts riding our hero. :And that, folks, was the shortest and most pathetic sex scene ever written. : Which is only half as short and pathetic as the author's first time with a woman will be. : Ouch! Spiteful... : Yeah, that was a good one. Later that morning sasumi walks in michaels room to notice that ayeka spent the night with michael. she wakes them both up. "What happened" Michael said while he was shaking his head. : Don't you remember? You ate chowder with milk. Then you went for a ride. : Or something to that effect. Sasumi burst out the door crying. : They didn't leave any chowder for me! : That was wrong. : Wha...I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT! : Uh-huh. Right. : How come you didn't hit him? : I figure that being shot in the head is punishment enough. She tells everyone about michael and ayeka. Everyone looked at michael and ayeka. With confused faces. : Then Ryoko grabbed a rolled up magazine. And beat Michael. Like a naughty puppy. : Been reading Penny Arcade? : Yes. -----------------TO BE CONTINUED--------------------------------------- What will they do to our hero. : Kill him. Oh please, Lord, let them kill him. part three coming soon : Or how about right now? No need for extream part 3 : Ha! Can I call it or what? : What. Looking at our hero and ayeka tenchis dad walks up to michael and says "im so happy for you and ayeka." Now are hero is clueless. : He was clueless to begin with! He couldn't get a clue if one bit him in the ass! Hell, he couldn't get a clue if one was shoved UP his ass! : Yeah, I'd tend to agree. "So how did you like it" Ryoko said with a smile. Michael walks to the pond in disgust : Why the hell are YOU disgusted? YOU'RE the one who slept with Ayeka. : No kidding. If anyone should be disgusted, it's everyone else BUT him. Unless, of course, he disgusts even himself. : In that case I think he should do us all a favor and off himself. : Nah, he won't. It wouldn't be 'extream' enough. As he was standing their thanking he saw sasumi on the other side crying. "Whats wrong princess Sasumi" "leave me alone" Sasumi yelled "How could you" : How could I leave you alone? Well, I guess I could just walk away, and stuff... "Listen your sister ayeka gave me a kiss and i guess i took it the wrong way." Lying to the little girl. : We have one rule. Never lie to the little girl. Lie to me, lie to yourself. But never lie to the little girl. : Holy cow, a non-film reference! : Hey, I read too, you know. : Name the book that the reference came from folks. First one to get it wins a prize. : Really? : No. "You dont understand I love you michael" : WHAT?!? : What...the...fuck? : You've known him for all of 12 hours! On top of that, he a complete idiot! And on top of THAT, please don't forget that YOU'RE ONLY EIGHT YEARS OLD! : Mentally and physically, anyway...chronologically, she's a few thousand earth years old. Not that that even comes close to excusing this, of course. Michael was surprised that sasumi said that. : You're not the only one. Oh, and by the way, could you please kill yourself? Painfully would be good. "IM sorry about this morning I should have carried Ayeka back to her bed. "Thats ok IM sorry for bursting out telling and telling the rest of the family." Im a grown up and so is ayeka grown ups do crazy things." : No, you're NOT an adult. Do we have to go over this again...or did the author say that? : I can't even tell anymore, the writing is so horrible. michael herd a noise "NO IT CANT BE ITS ZEDD" Run Sasumi tell the others to get out of here. : What? "Michael You survived everything I thrown at you." Hmm ahh princess ayeka and sasumi. Beam them on board. "Iwont let you do that." "Aghhhhhhhh help" the two princesses yelled. : Wait...what? What the...huh?!? : What the hell just happened? : HA! Does he expect us to be able to follow this? : Does this have anything to do with census taking? "EXTREAM TRANSFORMATION!" "JASON DEPLOY THE HOVERBOARD" "OK HOVERBOARD DEPLOYED" "YOUR MINE ZEDD!" : Who, in the name of all that's holy, is Jason? : Screw that, who is Zedd? : Maybe he's a rival census taker. "So you thank you can defeat me cannon fire." "Ryo-Ohki?" "Meow" " OK Im climbing aboard. Jason get down here now to rural japan. : Are things supposed to be happening? : "Get down here now to rural Japan"? That's specific... "Ha Ha HA ryo-ohki is locked on target ready aim f.... What the Mihoshi and kyones ship" Those bitches." "Jason stay here this time it's personal." Michael blast the door open. : Oh, screw this! I'm not even paying attention anymore. : Yeah, I'm with you on that one. Go on without us, author. : We'd just slow you down, anyway. : Yeah, logic and coherency can be a real drag. "where are you Zedd." Michael walks to the main chamber "Nooo he sees ayeka and sasumi on the floor bleeding still alive. : So I was watching the Discovery Channel the other day, and they had this really cool thing on about octopuses...or should that be octopi? : Plural for octopus? It should probably be octopi...but go on. : Right. Anyway, it followed this female octopus around as she went about her life. I learned some pretty interesting stuff from it. Did you know that an octopus's tentacles are under independent motor control? "Jason beam ayeka and sasumi back to the ship and aid them" "OK michael" "OOPS" I hope i didnt say that out loud." Everyone is stunned because michael is extream. : Really? : Yep. They all do their own thing - within limits, of course. The octopus only brings them all under direct control when it's doing something like swimming. : Wow. I guess you learn something new every day. "Zedd you son of a bitch. you coward come out now." Something moves : My personal favorite on Discovery is Junkyard Wars. : Oh, I've seen that. It's pretty good. : I'm just glad they brought the British guy back. He's cool. : Hell yeah. "Long time no see" "No it cant be not Akula." "Prepare to meet your doom extream!" ----------------------To Be Continued--------------------------------- : Oh, hey, it looks like the chapter's over. : Damn. I guess we should pay attention, huh? WOW DONT MISS THE NEXT EPISODE : WOW WE SURE WON'T. ON THE NEXT EPISODE ACULA BEATS THE CRAP OUT OF MICHAEL : YAY! IS HIS DAYS NUMBERED : We certainly hope so. NEXT TIME ON EXTREAM MEETS TENCHI MUYO IN THE GANG. : Is that anything like 'Cool and the Gang'? : JUNGLE BOOGIE! No need for extream P4 "Ok Akula what do you want?" Michael said. "I want you dead!" "Triple beam attack!"Acula yelled. "Arghhhh!" Michael screamed in pain. : So...all he has to do is name an attack, and Mr. Extream Michael screams in pain? : What a wimp. "Thats it now you really pissed me off!" Michael said. "Extream platinum mode!" Michael yelled. Our hero has tranformed into super extream his second form. "You will pay for hurting sasumi and ayeka."Michael yelled. Akula laughs : This is damn near impossible to follow. : Indeed. Which is why I've created THIS! : Great. What is it? : It's the DUMBASS TRANSLATOR BOX THINGY! It'll translate the idiotic fic we see into something we can understand. : Wow. This should be good. : Ok, here we go! "Whats so funny? Dont you now im about to abliterate you!." michael said While michael and akula wear fighting Jason was at the emergency pods planting bombs on the ship. " no way zedds going to get away boy isnt he in for a surprise." back to the action. : It's working! Let's see the result! <"What is the being funny? Don't go around hungry now with asbestos!" Michael in a manner of saying while wearing Akula. Jason the bomb plant in cornfields with shipping lanes open. "No way Z boy will be getting a surprise for Christmas!" With backs to action.> : YES! "Take this!" "sword frenzy!" Michael yells "Argghhhh My arm you basterd. akula yells in pain." "time to finish you off" Warning destruct sequence is in effect evacuate all personnel in five 5 minutes" The computer yells. "see yeah around." Akula vanishes. <"Take my sword frenzy, only $5.99 at Red Lobster!" An R.G.G.H. arm is with the bastard shark. "Now is being the time for all brown foxes to jump over lazy dogs!" Warning: application "Extream" caused an invalid page fault at 4827:09:223484. Recommend you consume monitor, pay homage to evil Microsoft gods. "See the round nipples shark vanish!"> : HAHAHAHAHA! I'm a GENIUS! : Well, it DOES make more sense than the fic, at this point...sort of... : Mmmmmm...Red Lobster... the doors slam shut. on the ground ayeka sasumi, mehoshi, washu, kyone, tenchi and the rest watch as the space ship explodes. "Extream come in" Jason said. It was silent jason tried again but no answer could be herd. Then they saw a piece of armor on the ground. It had extreams symbol on it. "Nooooooooooo." Jason yelled : Make my extreme phallus come in explosion?!? What the hell was that?!? : Hmmmm...it looks like there's still a few bugs to work out. : A few? It's acting like Babelfish on acid! "Yo whats up" Michael said "I can still here him talk." Ayeka said in tears. "Look up" Their was our hero extream on his hover board in original mode. "how did you escape?" Jason asked " Thanks to washu. for giving me a holagrahm of my self it was no big deal. Aeka and sasumi both ran into michaels arms huging him. "Push this butto michael" Jason said "Ok" All of the escape pods blew up. "Well thats all of zedd and akula" Michael laughs : Uh-oh. I think it's starting to overload... : Get down! : Oh, hey, it's all right. What's the translator say? 42? : Ha! Figures... -------------------------That night---------------------------------- : That night everyone enjoyed a "beat up Extream" party. Fun was had by all. sasumi came in michaels bedroom "hello" Michael said. "Hello" Sasumi said. : Oh, no you don't! No Sasami lemon scenes! None, do you hear me? "Are you ok hows your injuries doing. "they still hurt a little" Sasumi said. "Damn Zedd." Michael said : Ok, if you say so. Damn you, Zedd! Damn you to hell! "Yeah but he wont hurt you anymore. Michael said "Why dont you let me cook tommorow?" michael said. "Ok geeze your sweet." sasumi said. sasumi hugged michael. "Well now I gotta go back to my room before ayeka wakes up and finds me gone goodnight?" : YES! Goodnight! Quick, leave before the author gets any ideas! Go! -------------------------------------1 hr. later-------------------- "Come in" Michael said "Its just me mihoshi" Mihoshi said When mihoshi walked in she had on a very nice night gown : And then both Mihoshi and Michael exploded for no apparent reason. : You ok, Gordon? : Never been better. "So wuz up! Michael asked : WASSUP?!? : Oh, what the hell...WASSUP?!? : Hey, Kiyone, pick up the phone! : No. : Aw, come on! : Not going to do it. : Damn. There goes that juke. "Do you like what you see? Mihoshi asked "Aghhhh yeah???" Michael said with a confussed look mihoshi striped right michael. : So, he's totally hardcore... : He thinks he is, anyway. : ...and every girl in the house wants him. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? : Well, let's see. He's got the same name as the author so, yes, it looks like... : BAD SELF-INSERTION! : Man, I hate bad SI. : Quite a few would argue that there's no such thing as GOOD self-insertion. : But, on the other hand, any time someone creates a new character to interact with the Masaki household, it's SI to some extent. : Ah, yes, I see what you mean. ANY fan fic writer puts a bit of themselves into the universe they're writing for, so... : Yeah, yeah, whatever. Shut up. damn she was the most buitiful girl in the house. "I think im in love" Michael thought too himself Mihoshi walked up and giggled "this your first time michael?" Said : Said...what? : I don't know, and I don't think I care. Meanwhile in Washus lab "YO Whered you come jason?" Washu asked "Earth." Jason replied "your cute wanna be my 2nd guinea pig?" Washu asked "WHAT?!" Jason said "I guess" Jason said conffused. Meanwhile in extreams bedroom Mihoshi was screaming in pleasure of the sex Michael rabbed her boob and started messaging it. : HA! That was a pointless scene. : Just one of many. : Thrill as the story goes nowhere, and does nothing! and he sucked the other one Then mihoshi got on all fours you know doggie style : Yes, we know. "Doggie style." : Good God, this sucks. and he inserted his dick in her asshole and she felt a tear in her other tunnel : What? A tear in her other tunnel?!? Is she tunneling somewhere? : Maybe she's trying to dig an escape tunnel out of this fic. than after 30 sec he decided that it was time to stick it in her pussy : Woah. That's a big no-no. Anal to vaginal just isn't healthy. You're just asking for an infection. : You read too much medical literature on sex, do you know that? : Hey, just because I want to be well informed... when he did that mihoshis back arched in pain and in pleasure he got faster and faster than he felt it coming and she already let he girl juice withdrawl and he squirted his cum in her mouth. : Girl juice? I don't want to know... : Is that related in anyway to man chowder? : I don't want to know that, either. I really don't. WHile this was happening kone was on the other side of the door listening to the action. "Damn i wanted him first" Kyone whisspered to her first : NO I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT! : Oh, come on. How can you resist his 'extream' skillz? : With ease, let me assure you. The next day the birds were chirping and the sun was shinning. Lets not forget that michael was in the kitchen making breakfast for every one. : God forbid we forget that. ___________________________________________TO BE CONTINUED___________________________________________ In the next fic Kyone well have her way with michael and jason gets it with washu. : The HELL he will! I'll castrate the bastard! And no sasumi wont get laid because shes too young sick freaks : You're the one who had her fall in love with you, hentai. : No kidding. What a dumbass. : Can we please take a break? I feel ill. : Good idea. Let's get out of here... ------------------------ : Um...right. Ok, we've got a bit of a treat for our viewers today. For your viewing pleasure, the crew of the Escher is proud to present Rodgers & Hammerstein's South Pacific! : Hello, mysterious Frenchman. I'm Nellie, a beautiful, young, naïve nurse. : Hello there. My name is Emile de Becque. I'm a plantation owner who is running from his past and responsibilities. : Cool. : So, even though we just met five minutes ago, I think I love you. : Wow, you too, huh? Well, now that we love each other, let's sing. : SOME ENCHANTED EVENING... : As a typical young American soldier, I cannot help but lament the fact that all of the women are on that island over there, which happens to be off limits to enlisted men like myself. : : Yes, indeed. I know what you mean. It's a pity that the officers are allowed to go a-whoring on that island, while we cannot. : Hi, I'm the new lieutenant. Did I mention that I'm an officer? : Wow. What an amazing stroke of luck. Want to take us to that island over there. : No, not really. : Your destiny is over there, lieutenant. It calls you. : What? Who are you? : I'm not sure, myself. : It's not important. Just listen to the crazy old native. : Hmmmmm...no, I should go do some soldier stuff, instead. : Damn. : Ok, I'm here. : Excellent. Why are you here, again? : HQ wants me to go sit in plain view of the Japanese navy and count boats. : Sounds mildly risky. You'd better have someone go with you. There's a mysterious Frenchman by the name of de Becque that knows the islands here pretty well. We'll hook you up with him. : Cool. : After thinking about it, I've come to the conclusion that I don't know enough about Emile de Becque to be in love with him. As a result, I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair. Observe. : Hi. What's that you're singing about? : Oh! Uh... : So, anyway, want to get married? : Yeah, what the hell. I know enough about you. : Cool. : Ok, then. Emile de Becque, we'd really like it if you would go get killed with the lieutenant so we can blow the hell out of a few Jap ships. : I would, except that I'm getting married. I'd kind of like to be alive for that. : But you'd be making a difference, and all that. : Nope, sorry. : Damn. Now what? : I don't know. Why don't you go take it easy for a while. Get a boat. Go fishing. Go to that island that's off limits for enlisted men. : Good idea. : Hey, thanks for taking me to this forbidden island. : No problem. Now I'm going to go follow this crazy native woman. : You do that. : Where are we going, anyway? : To meet my daughter so you can have freaky sex and marry her...wait...dammit! Loden, we need another female part! : Well, none of us can do it. You'll have to cover it yourself. : Great. Be right back. Hi, I'm the previously mentioned daughter. Even though I just met you, I'm already in love with you. : Cool. Let's neck. : Well, now that we're getting married, I'll tell you a few secrets. I once killed a man. : Oh...that's ok, I'm cool with that. : I also had a Polynesian wife, and we had a couple of kids. : Hmmmm...I think that's a problem. : What? Why? : I'm not sure...but I don't think I love you anymore. : Damn. : Say, Polynesian daughter of the crazy old native, what's wrong? : My mom is going to marry me off to some drunken plantation owner, unless you marry me. : Sorry, I can't. Even though I claim to love you, I just can't do that. : Bummer. Bye. : Hey lieutenant, what's up? : I just told off the woman I love. Now I'm alone. : You too, eh? Well, since we're both loveless, do you want to go do that thing where we get killed? : Yeah, why not. : Well, the lieutenant and the Frenchman sure did a good job. Thanks to them, we're pushing foreword and beating the Japs. Too bad the lieutenant had to die, but that's what happens in war. I guess that's also what happens when you toss the lives of your men away like a couple of pawns, but I can't be bothered by that right now. : Well, I just told the lieutenant's lover girl that he's dead. She seemed to take it pretty well. Where's Emile de Becque? : Beats me. They went to get him this morning, but they're not back yet. Maybe he's dead too. : Damn. I've learned too late the folly of prejudice. If only I hadn't been so foolish! Now I'll never get to tell him that I really do Love him. : Wait, here I am. And I'm alive. : Wow! Now we're a happy family! : God bless us, every one! : This has been the Escher's presentation of South Pacific. Thank you for coming. ------------------------ : That was good. Excellent performance, everyone. : I had fun. : Yeah...it's not that South Pacific is a BAD musical... : Well, that's subjective. : ...it's just that it's so damned cheesy. : With some nice chauvinistic overtones. : And a ham-fisted anti-prejudice message. : But all the musicals back then were like that. Everyone's a caricature - both the men and the women. No need for extream 5 : Oops. I guess we should get back to the fic. : I suppose... The next day michael was cooking breakfast for the family of 10 including ryo-ohki. Mihoshi was still sound asleep from last night. The rest was wondering what all that noise was lastnight. : They were all wondering why Mihoshi was shouting "That was it?!?" Jason was in washus lab getting tested on. While the guardians was talking about how much a good day it was. "Darn where is that pepper shaker. michael said in frustration "So tenchi said that he loved me last night ayeka. Ryoko said teasing the poor princess. "No he didn't you hussy" Ayeka said fussing at the space pirate. : Pulp scenes - made with 90% cliché. For when your fic absolutely, positively must be longer than 1,000 words. "Boy Sasumi how can you stand them fussing all the time id be ripping off their heads about now."Michael said to Sasumi" : Because, you know, I'm such a badass that I could do that, if I wanted. Really. "I try to ignor them." Sasumi said "Well breakfast is done Michael and Sasumi said at the same time. After breakfast Michael cleaned the dishes. : Sorry, folks, but this is as exciting as the fic gets. : It's like watching a turtle cross some deserted country road. "Sasumi I have something to say to you would you come to that big tree near the shrine."Michael asked. "Ok?" Sasumi said confused. Later michael and Sasumi was at the tree. "I know who you are tsunami." michael said "I knew from the first time i saw you." "I know that you will assimulate with Tsunami." : And he knows this...how? : I don't know, and I don't care. This is so incredibly stupid. Sasumi was in shock because michael knew who she really is. "true michael." Tsunami said appearing above the water. "And i know who you are michael. Tsunami Said : That's right. I know that you're a completely immature idiot. I'm going to kill you now. "Wha What?" Michael said confused : Don't deny it! PERPAIR TO DIE, LOSER BOY! "You are like sasumi When you were little you thougt that your dad saved you from getting hit by that 18 wheeler but you wasnt you died."Tsunami explained : What? How the hell does that make him like Sasami? And if he's dead, how the hell is he here? And if the author is trying to suggest that something assimilated with him, then who? : No, no. Don't ask. The answer wouldn't make sense anyway. Sasumi looked at Michael and knew that he was indeed just like her she was wondering why she was in love with him but know she knows. "Thats why your other body is extream." Michael fell on the ground in shock. : Whatever. At least this fic is good for inducing apathy. : No kidding. And when I use it in conjunction with this Nitrous Oxide, I just feel kinda numb. : What Nitrous Oxide? : Um...did I say Nitrous Oxide? I meant...uh...oh, screw it! Ahhhhhhhhhhh...that's the stuff... : Loden? : Don't worry about him. He's breathing regular room air. Just let him have his illusions. 2 hrs later : ...Michael was dead, consumed by squirrels. "Where am I?" Michael asked "Your in my dimension extream." Tsunami said "Damn you do look like sasumi." Michael said "Thankyou" Tsunami said as she blushed. : Isn't there some sort of rule about idiots not flirting with gods? : Hell no, just look at Zeus. "Why did you bring me here?" Michael asked. "You do like sasumi dont you?" Tsunami asked : No, you don't. : No. : Don't even think about it. : The correct answer here is: no. "Well yeah she said she loves me." Michael said "Than you must know that my feelings for you are the same." Tsunami said gigling. : Dammit, people, you never listen to me! : Why do I doubt that Tsunami would find this guy attractive? : Hell, does she even HAVE a sex drive? Tsunami walked toward Michael and put her arm on Michaels shoulder. "Since sasumi is grown in my form you can do me if you want." Tsunami said : WHAT?!? : The hell you say! : Woah! Hold up a second! We're moving too fast. : If Tsunami were really like this, I think I'd have to worship Tokimi. : But you don't worship anything or anyone to begin with. : Well, hypothetically speaking. "You sure you want this? I could wait until you assimulate with Sasumi." Michael said "Ok I guess I Could wait a few months." : YES! Yes you can. And then you can wait a few more months. Then a few thousand years. : And then a few months more. Michael kissed Tsunami on the lips and said. "Ill be waiting for you in a few months." And than Michael was outside laying beside the tree. : And then the tree completely obliterated him. And everyone was happy. ___________________Later that night_______________ : Later that night, Michael had sex with no one, and got a nasty wedgie from Ryoko. Michael was sitting on top of the house looking at the sky. "Michael can i sit down with you?" Kyone asked "sure make yourself comfortable." Michael said with a smile : NO! Get down from there! : Uh oh! It looks like SOMEONE has a thing for Mr. Extream Idiot. : IT'S NOT ME! It's the fic's version of me! : Oh, come on. Don't tell me that he doesn't make you long for his Extream love! : I can shoot Loden and he'll come back, but how about you, Gordon? Care to find out? : Um...not particularly, thank you. : Excellent. How about you, Loden? : I'll shut up. : Marvelous. "You know That I've decided to stay here and be with the girls and support them I mean nobleyuki cant keep supporting them day in and day out.So I decided to quit my position as a bounty hunter and know im going to be an architect. Like nobleyuki."Michael said. : HA! Yeah, right! Like that dumbass could ever be an architect! : Well, note that he did say "architect," and not "engineer." : Not so fast...I know a good number of engineers that are even dumber than this Extream guy. : Hmmm...good point. "Hold me Michael." Kyone said "Sure lets look at the sky together." michael said : I hate watching some version of myself do stupid things. : Well, it could be worse. : How? : It could be something like 'Extream on a Plate of Sashimi.' : -_-" : Yeah, things could definitely be worse. : Oh yeah. "Ever done it on the top of a house?"Kyone said laughing "NO how about your ship the yugami" Michael said smiling "Ok" Kyone said : Wait, if this guy is in love with Sasami, why the hell is he sleeping with everyone else? : Because he's totally hardcore, or some shit. : I'd have to vote for 'some shit.' ____________________In Washus Lab__________________ Washu and Jason was doing the mattress mumbo. "Damn you where good Jason" Washu said. : WHAT?!? : This fic is starting to PISS ME OFF! : Maybe the translator box thing can help us again... : No, no, that's all right. Really. "Did you here jason? Michaels staying with us?" Washu said "Really?!" Jason said dissapointed "Yes hes doing it because he likes ayeka alot. And the rest of the girls too."Washu said : Either that, or he's a male whore. I don't quite know yet. ____________________Meanwhile on the yugami________ "Oh Michael your the king of sex!" Kyone said moaning : -_- : Yeah, that's...um...ok, I have no idea what to make of that. : I suggest that you don't try. It'll only hurt if you do. "Well time to get punished."Michael said as he pulled out his laser whip." Crack! "Aghhhhh" Kyone screamed in pain "Harder" Kyone replyed Crack Crack!! : Crack is right. I have a feeling that the author smokes a lot of crack. : It's times like these that I start to miss AAA-PhuckNut. : I know what you mean. "Thats enough now its time to go down on your virgin clit." : Any jokes about that "virgin clit" line and I start shooting. : I didn't say anything. : Nope. Not a thing. Michael said Michael starts licking kyones clit. Kyone starts moaning. Kyone gets up and handcuffs michaels hands to the bed post. : YES! Then I PISTOL WHIP HIM INTO A BLOODY PULP! "You have the right to fuck the virginity out of me." Kyone said giggling. : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Heh heh...I'm sorry, Kiyone, but I had to. That's the dumbest sex line I've ever heard. : That's...that's all right. No problem, really. : Does he have the right to make you show him your dirty love? : In about three seconds, you're going to have the right to bleed profusely from another gunshot wound. Kyone started riding our hero Kyone started mnaing loudly "Damn get off im about to cum!" : Then wouldn't that entail YOU getting off? : Woah, bad pun. So kyone gets off and starts to suck michaels dick and he cums in her mouth. They both pass out. : Wonderful. If there's any sort of God, then Michael won't wake up again. Ever. ______________________20 min later_________________ "Well I better get to bed." michael said to kyone So they both go to the house. : Wow. That was a waste of a scene. : What does it matter? This whole fic is a waste to begin with. ______________________Two months later_______________ : This author really likes to jump around, doesn't he? : Yeah, he does good work, but it doesn't FLOW well. But, come to think of it, he really DOESN'T do good work, so... Michael yawns "holy cow" I got to get to my job. "Dont forget to eat your breakfast michael!" Sasumi said But Michael all ready left. "Geeze he moves fast" Sasumi said Than Sasumi feels light headed than faints on the kitchen floor. : What the hell? Why does everyone keep passing out? Does someone keep gassing them? : The smog must be getting bad. ______________________Now Sasumi is in tsunamis dimension "Tsunami what your ready to assimulate with me?!" Sasumi asked : Yes. I'm ready to 'assimulate.' : Assimulate? Would that be, like, simulating an ass? : Sure, why not. "Yes so get ready to merge"Tsunami said "Ok" Sasumi said kind of smileling. : If this requires a lemon scene between Sasami and Tsunami, I am SO out of here. ______________________Tsunami is now at washus lab__________________ : If there's a lemon scene between Tsunami and Washu, I am SO out of here. "What!" Washu said to the goddess "Did you assimulate early our is this a dream?" Washu asked : Yes, Washu, this is a dream. Are you ready to go with the scarecrow to meet the Wizard? : Oh, we're off to see the Wizard! The Wonderful Wizard of SUCK! He truly is a wonderful SUCK if ever a SUCK there was! IF EVER A WONDERFUL SUCK THERE WAS THE SUCK SUCK SUCK... : Dude, we get it. No I assimulated early. Tsunami said "Men wait until the others here about this." Washu said : Oh, boy. I can't wait. ______________________That night____________________________________ "Why isnt dinner done yet?" Tenchi asked "Yeah and where is my sister?" Ayeka asked : Gee, why don't you MAKE YOUR OWN SUPPER, you lazy bastards! "Everyone I have a surprise for you."Washu said "Presenting Tsunami the new version of Sasumi." : No, you don't get it. It isn't a NEW VERSION of Sasami, it's still her. : Don't even try to explain it. The author wouldn't listen even if he could hear you. Tsunami walked in the living room. Everyones mouths was on the floor including Michaels. "Sasumi you are now Tsunami" Ayeka said in tears. "Now Ayeka you should be happy for your sister." Michael said comforting ayeka : Dude, I just said that she's STILL SASAMI... "Well Tsunami Welcome to the family I guess." Nobleyuki said with a smile. : GNAAH! IT'S STILL THE SAME PERSON! HOW MANY TIMES... : Forget it. It doesn't matter. __________________________To Be Continue__________________________________ : YES! IT'S OVER...wait, was that five parts? : Yep. That was the last one. : YES! IT'S OVER! In the next episode Michael chooses who he loves. Tenchi also chooses. : And if Michael chooses either myself or Sasami, I'll have to castrate him. : Hell, I say do it anyway. : It'd be for the best. Also this is the last chapter in the extream saga : Wait...you just said that there'd be another chapter. How could this one be the last? : Forget it. If he want's this one to be the last on, that's ok by me. : No kidding. Let's go. ------------------------ : Well, there you have it. The compelling story of a young man wrestling with his complete lack of a brain, and the people he kills/sleeps with. I know I've learned from it! : That's great. Do you want our scores or not? : Hit me. : Ok, here's what we've got. A 5 for stupidity, a 4 for disgustingness, and a 3 for disturbability. : Wow. The last two are a little high, don't you think? : Kiyone's scores brought up the average. : This fic should be burnt. : I see. Well, I'll just average mine in...and we get a 5 for stupidity, 3 for disgustingness, and 2.5 for disturbability. : Great. : Nifty. : Whatever. : Indeed. So... : ...so what? : So...now what do we do? : You're the captain. You tell us. : Well, see, I never got around to planning any closing jokes for today's MST...so I guess we'll just have to end it. : Just end? Can we do that? : Sure, watch. ------------------------ And so, with another idiotic fic MST'd, our crew stood around awkwardly until the camera cut away. But none knew when it would cut in once again... Until we MST again... ------------------------ Stinger: "Oh Michael your the king of sex!" Kyone said moaning "Well time to get punished." Michael said as he pulled out his laser whip." Crack! "Aghhhhh" Kyone screamed in pain "Harder" Kyone replyed Crack Crack!!